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| i hate t-mobile.
i hate that i'm paying for a t-mobile sidekick and t-mobile is not accomodating for the people that do. and that the date i'm eligible to resign is basically the end of my contract. not that i need a new phone but this sidekick business is ridiculous. ugh hate it hate it hate it.
i hate my parents' decision to drop whatever health care coverage they had for me in lieu of none.
i hate when people younger than me are more successful than me.
i hate when people my age are more successful than me.
i hate when people a few years from now will be more successful than me.
i love my boyfriend.
i love being able to sleep at night.
i love filling my day with tedious busywork instead of fruitless anxiety.
i hate drinking. and that i do it sometimes.
i hate smoking. and that i do it sometimes.
i hate money problems.
i hate family problems.
i hate when my mom's boyfriend reprimands my little brothers.
i hate being out in cold weather without proper attire.
i love that my body is adjusting to getting up early. oh, and i hate getting up early.
i love the warm tuscan hues of early autumn foliage.
i love how pretty college of dupage is. i accidentally passed it today.
i hate inept young blond YMCA employees and their large black superiors who are equally inept in the area of customer service.
i hate wanting fast food or any other bad food because it makes me fat. and i hate that i have to worry about it.
i hate not being an engineer.
i hate that my degree means that i should be.
i love smoking hookah.
i love rice.
i love how cheap jalapeno peppers are.
i hate the sound of the Taboo buzzer.
okay i think i'm done.
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| so its late. and i'm bored. and i just finished writing out my cheat sheets for tomorrow's ChBE 422 final exam (or separations/mass transfer), which by the way I will be taking for the second time. Around this time last year (a little before I think. this year ended relatively late. I think i was done by the 11th or 12th last year) I was in this class, and i failed the final and ultimately failed the class.
failing 422 was important for me. it sucks that i had to "hit bottom" before realizing that the way i was running things wasn't going to cut it. and i don't know if i have really changed my ways. but i know i should and i have to if i expect any kind of success in my life but i can't just change the way i am. i am capable of accomplishing great things but i'm only human and in the real world there are no summer breaks where i have a large block of time to recuperate and reassess who i am and what i want to be.
so since the last time i wrote in this thing...
- i broke up with dennis. he is a stripper now. it wasn't going to work out.
- i got back together with corey. rocky start, but it seems like we'll be together for a while
- i took senior design. this class changed my life and my notion of hard work.
- i got all my shit together and am graduating.
i'm gonna miss u of i. i am also going to miss being young and having an excuse to be stupid. in a weird way, i felt like i was supposed to be foolish and do dumb things (like date two guys at the same time) as a personal rite of passage. why would i give myself such an idiotic goal? and the same thing goes for my sexual exploration. during college, i constantly wanted more notches in my belt. but now all i can think of is .... why? why would i want that?
so people can think (and think correctly) that i'm some kind of depraved whore who sleeps around? even at my most promiscuous, which ironically wasn't even in college, i wouldn't say i "slept around." and i don't really think i'm more or less of a gay person for having (not that many) sexual partners.
i used to make corey feel so bad about fooling around in champaign-urbana. it used to bother me that he had some kind of sexual experience with a bunch of people i commonly encountered. but why did i really care? did i think he was dirty or used? not really. was i jealous? a little bit, but i didn't want to be a "whore" either. so what was the problem? what IS the problem?
i'm getting older, and i feel like i'm running out of time.
i felt like i was running out of time throughout my whole college career. running out of time to make my GPA better (and i was right). running out of time to date. running out of time to start doing research. and look for internships. (granted there are other reasons why i did not pursue a typical future in chemical engineering, i.e. i did not want to major in it at all, much less spend the rest of my life doing it) now it's over, and what did i accomplish? that's right... pretty damn near nothing.
except i'm in love. and if i could ever grow up and face the wonderful future i have the potential to hold with him i might enjoy that.
and i have a degree. and if i really buckle down, look, and get out there, i might actually put it to some kind of use i would enjoy.
and i have a little bit of time. i don't need plastic surgery or a walker or to cash in my social security check quite yet.
so why am i freaking out??!?!!
ugh. it's what i do.
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a) Seeking knowledge is a good thing
1) there is knowledge out there to seek
2) society has grown due to accumulated knowledge
3) growth is good, so knowledge is generally good
b) for some reason, people stunt their academic knowledge acquisition rates
1) people think they already know what they need to know
2) people don't like to sit in a classroom or read at home, and education has not made the "virtual" shift every other aspect of life has
3) people have a hard time grasping concepts and feel despair
(this is the educational policy influence that is making me think about epistemological logic.)
I love to learn. About everything. even about jesus christ, whose very existence bothers me on a daily basis. One of the purposes (that we have created for ourselves) is the societal streamline to common sense (of white people) and the virtue/value we have in knowledge. And even if we don't think about it, we are learning and thinking and absorbing the world around us.
lately, i've just been wanting to know everything, and because i have accumulated a significant amount of facts, stories, ideas, images, etc., people seem to think i think i am better than them. in the same way that we have valued knowledge, society has also come to value humility (which i think is pretty fucking stupid). i don't know if it is because i talk in a tone that communicates my (often correct) mental superiority over (we'll say some) some of my peers. but i don't think i always talk like that. even saying one theoretical statement often gets me a barrage of eye rolls, grunts, and cigarette-lights. so it's okay to know lots of things, but it's not okay to talk about them because it lets people know that you know more than them and they perceive that as a reflection of your own self-indulged superiority.
i still don't really understand.
there are some people that, when i'm around them, i feel like a complete ignoramus. i'm a priveleged witness to their knowledge of history, astronomy, tourism, etymology, sociology, biology, technology, current events, and everything else that constitutes "everything". i see them and aspire to be like them. i want to know everything.
but what's the use of knowing everything if you can't talk about it to anyone. especially those who are around you all the time.
sigh is me.
it's very frustrating to have great ideas, know so much, and want to share that knowledge in an environment that strictly focuses on other, unbecoming values.
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| i like being gay.
god has given me a brain and a voice and it would be a shame to sit back and waste it all in a lab somewhere making serious bank.
i need to fight for the gay community.
WHY?
because pussy-ass gays are sitting back and letting republicanism, christianity, and the perpetuation of a rigid family structure that is centered around reproduction (not love or desire) "fuck them in the ass," and it makes me sick. REPUBLICANS and CHRISTIANS make me physically sick. and i don't give a flying fuck if everyone that reads this is a christian republican. supporting an archaic institution that causes society to conform to a set of conservative, exclusive, discriminatory, hateful, and self-centered institutions.
and gay christians and conservatives? good luck. good luck trying to change the minds of people who think of you as second-class citizens. go ahead. spend all your god-damn energy trying to conform to a belief system that excludes those who have been cast into a life they did not choose.
you know, it must be nice having money and being white and straight and able-bodied (but probably fat or eventually fat) and feeling like your "saved" by some holy power, because it isn't your rights that are being compromised or denied. i'm sorry my sexuality has somehow earned me a ticket to hell and a life of strife and discrimination. you know what republicans? we're wrong, and you are the ones who have figured it out! your system of beliefs is the one EVERYONE IN THE WORLD should have, and we should make laws that discourage and physically and verbally show our disdain for anything that lies outside that system. good thing you figured out life, christians and republicans, because i'm just starting to.
seeing straights on the bus holding hands makes me sick. u know why? because i know that if i hold hands with a boy i'm with on that bus i will be gawked at, talked about, and maybe accosted for expressing a similar affection to someone i might even appreciate more than you do for your flavor of the semester.
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| valentine's shmalentines.
i kinda like that part of that word looks like "shemale."
i had a good one though. i got a 3 hour handjob. it was awesome. and i had a good dinner.
corey tried to talk to me today. the last time we talked was thanksgiving. i tried to call him around the holidays and he wouldn't answer. that attempt at interaction was followed by 3 or 4 horrible drunk-dial voicemails i should have never sent. and now, when i'm finally coming into my own, this poses a threat to my intellectual reconstruction.
there's no "i know what to do," and not just because i don't know.
it's because there is no KNOW.
there is no know.
there is belief and ignorance.
but i can truly attest that at this moment, i do not believe that there is something i should do. only decisions and consequences, both leading to the same uncertain future.
so i will decide to ponder.
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